Discovering our false self
In our last article Are you a prisoner to your shame?, we talked about shame and how it defines so many of us. Today, we work to take this shame and reveal how, for many of us, it defines our self-identity, also known as the false self.
Most people are unaware that a large part of life’s choices and behaviors are rooted in identity. How we see ourselves, and our identity, plays a huge part in how we react to most all of life’s events. It impacts how we choose careers, car choices, attraction to worldly things, and how we generally present ourselves. It even dictates how we perceive the words that others use when speaking to us. The shame that we carry (look at the previous article: Are you prisoner to your shame?) is evidence of this false self.
Here is an example of how these statements of shame impact to a great extent our life’s choices and reactions:
A person noted the statements in the exercise in the previous article: “I am a loser, I am worthless, I am unworthy, I am not good enough, I am unwanted,” or any similar statement, may be constantly beating themselves up, have a low self-esteem, be an underachiever, be perceived as someone who doesn’t care or won’t try, doesn’t keep good hygiene and generally has a personal disposition of being a very introverted person. This person may be constantly angry, and everything someone says is interpreted to be a criticism of him. They are very self-focused. This person believes the shame statement, is owned by it and feels hopeless to try to be anything else. He lives what he believes is his identity.
The other option may be that this person will overcompensate by being out-going, extroverted, overconfident, choosing expensive cars, wearing expensive clothes, and always trying to “one up” everyone else. A characteristic of perfectionism or materialism is present. He may be successful in his work and have the belief that if he “makes it” he will be good enough or worthy of his father’s love. He is even unlikely to recognize that this internal belief is what drives his success. This person knows what he believes is the truth and tries to hide it from the outside world by faking a different identity.
In both cases, these people are living with a false identity, a false self. Both are desperate for love, acceptance, affirmation, and feelings of being wanted and known. So desperate is this need they are willing to accept the counterfeit love that the world promises: promiscuous sex, porn, acquiring things, success, status, etc. These behaviors are a desperate method to cover their inner pain.
In most cases, the false self is built from the absence of authentic unconditional love in young formative years, the lack of the authentic teaching of God, of His love, and the teaching of authentic sexuality. Without these critical parts of our formation as children of God, we are desperate and become open to the presentation of false intimacy ideals from the world, as formed by the enemy. We look to the world and the examples of others who are also living in false intimacy to attempt to acquire the love that God created us for. Unfortunately, this love that God created us for is not found in the pleasures of the world.
This next exercise serves to help dismantle the false self. Here is a reminder of the shame inventory list from the previous article. Take some time in prayer and note each one that even mildly resonates with you.
I am a loser.
I am not a good person.
I am not lovable.
I am undesirable.
I am evil.
I am a pervert.
I am pathetic.
I am stupid.
I am a bad person.
I am worthless.
I am a monster.
I am repulsive.
I am shameful.
I am a terrible person.
I am despicable.
I am ugly.
I can’t change.
I am a failure.
I am incompetent.
I am insignificant.
I don’t deserve love.
I am damaged goods.
I have to be perfect to deserve love.
I am wicked.
No one could ever understand me.
The average person can typically relate to 7-10 of these statements, which often fuel our behaviors when feelings of shame arise. Consequently, these statements shape our identity.
Dismantling the False Self
While we work to modify behaviors, we need to work at dismantling our false identity, finding the source of the woundedness, and seeking to heal those false identities and beliefs. This dismantling will aid us in more efficiently allowing the False Intimacy behaviors to be surrendered.
Any statements from the shame inventory that you felt applied to you, are proven to be lies shown by scripture. Many of the beliefs from the shame inventory are similar and can be disproven with the same scripture, so we combined them.
Shame/Identity Beliefs #1
o I am a loser
o I am unworthy
o I am a bad person
o I am worthless
o I am insignificant
o I am a terrible person
Scripture shows these beliefs are lies.
o 1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you.”
o Romans 8:11 “If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will give life to your mortal bodies also through his Spirit that dwells in you.”
o Ephesians 3:17 “…and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, as you are being rooted and grounded in love.”
Shame/Identity Beliefs #2
o I am evil
o I am a bad person
o I am a sinner
o I am pathetic
o I am a terrible person
o I am a monster
Scripture shows these beliefs are lies.
o Romans 3:24 “…they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.”
o 1 Corinthians 6:11 “And this is what some of you used to be. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.”
o Hebrews 10:14 “For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are sanctified.”
o Colossians 2:13 “And when you were dead in trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive together with him, when he forgave us all our trespasses.”
Shame/Identity Beliefs #3
o I am not good enough
o I am not perfect
o I am incompetent
o I am damaged goods
o I am a failure
o I am hopeless
Scripture shows these beliefs are lies.
o 2 Corinthians 3:5-6 “Not that we are competent of ourselves to claim anything as coming from us; our competence is from God, Who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of letter but of spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”
o Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”
o Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
o Psalm 31:24 “Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord.”
Shame/Identity Beliefs #4
o I am unloved
o I am unwanted
o I am unlovable
o I am undesirable
o I have been abandoned
o I don’t deserve love
o I am ugly
o I am hopeless
Scripture shows these beliefs are lies.
o Galatians 4:5 “…in order to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as children.”
o 1 Peter 5:7 “…casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”
o Ephesians 1:5 “He destined us for adoption as his children through Jesus Christ, according to the good pleasure of his will.”
o John 15:9 “As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you; abide in my love.”
o Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
o Ephesians 5:1 “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children.”
o Rom 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
Shame/Identity Beliefs #5
o I am alone
o I am abandoned
o I am unwanted
o I have no purpose
Scripture shows these beliefs are lies.
o Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
o Psalm 145:9 “The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.”
o Isiah 41:10 “Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.”
Shame/Identity Beliefs #6
o I am stupid
o I am not smart enough
Scripture shows these beliefs are lies.
o Daniel 1:17 “To these four young men God gave knowledge and skill in every aspect of literature and wisdom; Daniel also had insight into all visions and dreams.”
o Proverbs 2:1 & 9-10 “My child, if you accept my words and treasure up my commandments within you,…..Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.”
o James 3:13 “Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom.”
o 1 Corinthians 3:20 “The Lord knows the reasonings of the wise, that they are useless.”
Shame/Identity Beliefs #7
o I am in bondage
o I can never be free
Scripture shows these beliefs are lies.
o Psalms 32:7 “You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with glad cries of deliverance.”
o 2 Corinthians 3:17 “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”
o John 8:36 “So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.”
o Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”
Shame/Identity Beliefs #8
o I am a weak person
o I have no control
o I am impotent
o I have no power
Scripture shows these beliefs are lies.
o Psalms 37:34 “Wait for the Lord, and keep to his way, and he will exalt you to inherit the land; you will look on the destruction of the wicked.”
o Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”
Shame/Identity Beliefs #9
o I am a fearful person
o I am an anxious person
Scripture shows these beliefs are lies.
o Psalms 34:4 “I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.”
o 2 Timothy 1:7 “…for God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline.”
o Psalm 23:4 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
Shame/Identity Beliefs #10
o I can’t reach God
Scripture shows this belief is a lie.
o Ephesians 2:6 “…and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.”
o Psalm 94:11 “The LORD knows the thoughts of man, that they are a mere breath.”
Shame/Identity Beliefs #11
o I am afraid of Satan
Scripture shows this belief is a lie.
o Mk 16:16-18 “The one who believes and is baptized will be saved; but the one who does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: by using my name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes in their hands and if they drink any deadly thing, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.”
Shame/Identity Beliefs #12
o Sin overpowers me
o I am unforgivable
Scripture shows these beliefs are lies.
o Romans 6:11 “So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.”
o 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
While we have discovered many of the beliefs that cause us to behave the way we do and see ourselves as less than the cherished children of God that we are, there still needs to be healing around the causes or triggers of these beliefs.
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