A woman reading this article’s title may ask the question, “Is my husband looking at porn?” As a man reading it, you may have thoughts of, “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her?”
Either of these responses points to a really big issue: How Porn Destroys Marriages
This article is written from the perspective of a man is the one with the porn activity; however, in today’s world, the opposite is more commonly the case.
In either case, the first question to discuss is, “how do I know if my spouse is looking at porn?” The problem with porn is that it is unlike traditional substance abuse where there are outward obvious signs of use. You very likely may not know your spouse is watching porn. For example, with alcohol, there is a physical consumption that takes place (even though it could be hidden when done), but the evidence of consumption is often slurred speech, impaired judgment, poor financial decisions, etc. The signs of pornography use are much more subtle and can easily be missed unless you know what you’re looking for.
Let’s start with the signs of your husband looking at porn. First, these signs may have always been present during your relationship. This often makes them harder to recognize. If they reflect a change in behavior, it is often a red flag. In advanced cases of extreme porn addiction, these signs can also point to activities like massage parlors, strip clubs, or affairs. Again, you may not know your husband is visiting these places, but there are some indications.
Here are signs your husband may be using porn:
Social signs
- Your husband is secretive or vague about where he is when he is out.
- He gets defensive when asked about his whereabouts.
- He is resistant to allowing you to see his text messages, emails, and other activity on all his devices.
Internet signs
- His computer/internet habits at home have increased.
- His internet use typically is in a place where the door is closed or even often late at night.
- He claims this increased usage is for work, but he is resistant to redirecting the screen so it is visible from the door and the door is left open.
- His browsing history is frequently deleted or has gaps? (He may be using the incognito or private mode where the history doesn’t show.)
Sexual signs
- Your husband does not look you in the eyes when speaking, or he is constantly looking down, to the side, etc.
- He asks to do things like video record you having sex.
- He asks you to dress up in provocotive clothes before sex.
- He asks to play games or act out fantasies in the bedroom.
- He has lost interest in you sexually.
- He continually pushes your boundaries relating to sexual activity.
- His demand for sex has increased, but he is not emoitonally engaged during sex.
Financial signs
- You have money problems regardless of how much money comes in.
- He “protects” the budget and if you ask him about the household cash flow he gets unreasonably angry.
If you now recognize some of these signs in your husband’s demeanor, your husband may be looking at porn. What do you now do?
Here are steps to take if suspect your husband is using porn:
- Confirmation – Because of the devastating impact on your marriage, your relationship, His soul and your self esteem, you need to know. Do this by, lovingly confronting him, looking at his texts, emails, and browser history on all devices. While it may be difficult, avoid lashing out in anger and shutting down your heart and emotions. He will perceive this as an attack and his willingness to cooperate, to be honest, or to agree to move forward will go out the window. Approach him with a concern for his soul and your marriage. Even though you may not feel like it right now, tell him you love him and you value his soul and you desire the marriage that God intended.
- Support – Do not go through this alone. Talk with a trusted female friend, family member, priest or Christian marriage counselor who specializes in this area.
- Understand the addiction – Know that porn addiction is a sickness. Porn is not about sex, it’s about medicating an underlyng emotional wound. A wound that needs to be healed. Think of it as the same as alcohol or drug addiction. In most cases its not something he can simply choose to stop.
- It’s not about you – Let me clarify that. This means it’s not because of you. No matter what he says “You don’t give me enough attention, you won’t do what i want in bed”, etc. etc. Those are all excuses and diversions from the real truth. A truth that he probably doesn’t even realize or at least doesn’t want to face. This is entirely 100% about him. I don’t care if you are injured and incapable of having sex, it would not be a sufficient excuse to look at porn, have an afffair, etc. You ARE NOT responsible for his behavior.
- Get help for both – Both of you need help, and quite possibly professional help. If he is completely transparent, admits he has a problem and needs help that is a mammoth first step. For the woman, check out Bloom, a program by Integrity Restored. You may also consider a good Christian counselor. CatholicTherapists.com is a good place. The bottom line is you have suffered serious emotional trauma. Don’t let anyone tell you to “get over it”. Statistics show that over 70% of women whose husbands look at porn suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
So what your feeling is real for the Man, He needs a good program and a community to start with. If your church doesn’t offer anything, check out Restoring God’s Foundation, a Catholic men’s program by Road to Purity and also for community and accountability, The Simon Community. An extra good step is to have accountability software on all electronic devices. Covenant Eyes, is a great program that will monitor his use and send reports to you or anyone of his accountability partners. If counseling is needed, then also look at CatholicTherapists.com.
- Prayer and lots of it – Last but definitely not least, pray together, goto adoration together, educate both of yourselves on the addiction.
Additional resources:
Book #1 – A good recommended book is “Worthy of Her Trust” by Jason Martinkus. It will show the woman what is reasonable to expect and show the man what he needs to do to regain trust.
Book #2 – I wrote a book From One Addict to Another about my journey of sex addiction.
Where does this advice come from? It’s not from some book or psychology class, it’s real life. I and my wife lived it. I was addicted for over 30 years to pornography, massage parlors, and prostitution. I have been in recovery for over 12 years, AND I am still married. It was not easy, for quite a while, our lives were a train wreck. She prayed, she had support, and because of that, God hit me over the head with a 2×4.
I got help and God led me to the place where I am now doing this work helping others get through it also. I will tell you that it literally took me years before I actually got what I did and the damage I caused.
Be faithful and God will honor both of you.