Pretty much anyone you talk to would agree that porn is a problem in society today. Most will tell you that is just a nasty habit that people need to just stop. More willpower is the answer. Even psychologists will address and treat pornography with methods like CBT (Cognitive Based Therapy), meditation, behavior redirection methods, and other modalities. Churches and spiritual leaders often try to suggest to pray harder or “pray it away”. Some even go as far as hypnosis to stop the behavior.
With all of these approaches to beating porn use, why do an estimated 80- 90% eventually relapse and fail at stopping long term?
What if I were to tell you that porn is not the problem?
Let me give you a visual example. Let’s say you have a broken arm. The pain is nearly unbearable. Your ultimate goal is to stop the pain. So you try different things like immobilizing it that helps for a while but it doesn’t really solve the problem long term. So you try Tylenol and that helps a little but not enough. Then you try Advil, again, some relief but not substantial and definitely not for very long. You go a little more drastic and take some type of narcotic. That helps more but the pain still lingers, especially when you move it. Maybe you even combine these methods with prayer and ask God to heal your pain. You ask, Why doesn’t that work? Can’t God do anything?
The problem is all of this effort is focused on the symptom, the pain. But the pain isn’t the problem, it’s only a symptom. A symptom of a broken arm. So the real answer is, go to a doctor, set the broken arm, cast it and immobilize it while it heals and use pain killers at the beginning while the healing takes place. The approach is multi-faceted AND it involves addressing the root of the problem, the broken bone.
Pornography is exactly the same! Porn is a symptom, NOT the problem! It’s not a willpower answer, it’s not a behavior redirection answer and it’s not only a prayer answer. It is all of these plus more!
In the example of the broken arm, if one were to look back at the events after the prayer and wonder why God didn’t answer their prayers by taking the pain away, He did in fact answer the prayer. Just not as you thought. (He kind of does that a lot – because he’s smarter than us).
God likely directed you to a good doctor who could diagnose the real problem of the pain, namely the broken arm. Then proceed with a proven treatment of setting the arm, casting it, and prescribing pain meds while the arm heals.
Now to be fair, let’s expand this example to a sprained wrist. In this case, some immobilization technique and pain meds may actually work. BUT, you are still managing the symptoms while waiting for the real underlying damage, the sprain, to heal.
Porn has become medicine for a deeper wound
Again, porn is the same way. Sometimes it is a bad habit that can be treated with some psychological redirection, prayer, and education about the behavior. The facts show that for the vast majority of pornography users, this is not the case. Pornography has become a medication for a deeper wound (like the broken arm) that needs to be healed before the medication (the pornography) isn’t craved or needed anymore.
Now in comes God and theology. God created us to love and be loved. And He created us in His image. Man and woman joined as one in holy matrimony, give of themselves in a selfless and vulnerable manner, and if God wills it, a 3rd person is created. Man, Woman, and Child – an earthly reflection of the Holy Trinity. God wants us to procreate and expand His kingdom. And He wants us to enjoy doing it. So he gave us sex as a gift. A gift to enjoy our spouses and to enjoy expanding His kingdom. Sex is one of the expressions we have to give and receive love. The love that He wired us to experience.
The problem is, Satan and his plan to destroy God’s creation, namely His children, has perverted this beautiful gift into something to take. Pornography through the objectification of women (or men) is the exercise of attempting to ‘take’ love.
Since we are all human and descendants of the fallen Adam and Eve, we are all imperfect and are prone to sin. As a result, we mess up the giving of love that God designed us for. So, through many events in our lives we are not loved as we should be. (100% of us by the way). This reveals itself in emotional and spiritual woundedness like feeling unworthy, not good enough, unlovable, insignificant, unwanted, etc,etc, etc. Every person that exists experiences some or many of these feelings. This makes us have an insatiable craving for this Love that God created us for, because we’re missing it.
Porn is a substitute for what people deeply desire – Love
Pornography, falsely promises this love. And because of many biological and behavioral factors that are beyond the scope of this article, we become addicted to this false promise to fulfill this void.
You see, porn is not the problem, it’s a symptom. And the only way to effectively and completely address it is to address 4 main contributing areas. These are behavioral, chemical, emotional and spiritual. So you see, prayer is part of the answer. But so are the psychological methods mentioned above, But we also must address the behavioral and the chemical part – (yes porn is a chemical or drug addiction as well – I’ll address this in an upcoming article). Without all four pieces, recovery is stunted at best.
So like the broken arm, if a man is suffering from feeling unworthy because he was never encouraged by his father or even belittled as a small boy, his broken arm so to speak is the feeling unworthy and insignificant. Then he looks at porn to falsely fulfill the craving for the love he is missing. Prayer is not likely to get God to take away the porn habit and leave the man broken and still feeling unworthy and unloved. What God will do, is direct the man to a resource to heal his relationship with his father, and heal his emotional and spiritual woundedness. Just like healing the broken bone. If the wound is healed, the need for porn disappears on its own. Granted, this is a simplified example, but you get the idea.
So now, when you come to know of someone who is addicted to porn, ask yourself, “I wonder what his pain is”. Then pray for him (or her) to find the emotional wounds that need to be healed so they can feel authentically loved.
Taking the first steps – Restoring God’s Foundation Program
I do need to fill you in on one more tip here. Road to Purity has a porn and sex addiction program called Restoring God’s Foundation that successfully addresses all 4 parts that I spoke about above. What’s more, It’s free! (so you see I’m not trying to sell you something!). God has blessed us with benefactors and supporters that allow us to offer this program free (we’re always looking for more though). So if you know someone who could use a little help stopping their porn habit here is the link to sign up. https://courses.roadtopurity.com/
By the way, the full cost to offer our online course is $84, some people sponsor half of the cost at $42 also.