Ladies, let’s see if you relate to any of these feelings. You have been deceived, betrayed, cheated on, and you probably feel violated and disregarded. You feel like you’ve been kicked in the stomach. You bounce from being angry and resentful to feeling humiliated and hurt. You may even want to run, thinking it will erase the source of pain. You feel like you don’t know who this person is anymore. How could you ever trust him again? All of these feelings and reactions are expected and justified.
While I have not personally experienced the feelings that you have, I have been where your male partner, husband, or boyfriend is now. I can tell you that God gave me a gift several years ago when He presented a glimpse of what you are experiencing, but just a glimpse. I describe this event in chapter 10 of my book From One Addict to Another.
I feel that the most important thing I can tell you is that while what he did drastically affected and critically wounded you and your relationship, his behavior is not about you. It is not your fault. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this, nor is there anything you did to cause this. It’s not because you didn’t love him enough, not because you didn’t give him enough sex, not because he wanted to hurt you, and not because he doesn’t love you.
It is about him, his wounds, and ultimately his selfishness—a selfishness that is out of control. He is trying to fill a void in his heart that cannot be filled with things of this world. Even your love, as great as it has been, cannot fill this void he carries.
Remember, this is entirely his problem and his responsibility to fix.
As an addict, he cannot control it out of sheer willpower. And he cannot recover from his problem alone. He needs counseling, support groups, and most of all, a relationship with God. If you choose to move forward with him, your relationship and trust needs to be re-established and healed. It’s important that you understand, too, that while preventative actions such as imposing Internet filters or TV rating blocks can help, they will not solve the problem. Just like taking the drink away will not solve the underlying problem for an alcoholic.
An addict is craving intimate unconditional love, a love that no human can supply. All of us desire this, but for some, the emotional wounds or past life events have created such emptiness that the desire consumes us. Most of the time, we don’t even know it. Only by him doing the work to discover why he acts out, why the insatiable craving exists, and giving those wounds and cravings to God can he begin to heal and develop a healthy understanding of what sex is all about. When this happens, he will be a better husband or partner and a better man in many ways.
Whatever you do, do not downplay your pain and, most of all, do not bury or ignore it. You have been seriously wounded and that wound needs attention. Whether you continue the relationship or not, it’s important that you work through your feelings about his acting out and the damage that it caused; these feelings need to be resolved. You do not deserve to be stuck with the anger and bitterness that you likely have. It will destroy your life, and you don’t deserve that—it wasn’t even your fault!
I also recommend that you seek specialized counseling to work through what he has done to you. Even if you choose to leave the relationship, counseling can provide healing that is critical for you to live a life without resentment and anger, which will destroy your happiness and ultimately take a toll on you physically. Although only a small number currently exist, women’s support groups can also be very helpful, I have been told. Contacts or recommendations to such groups can usually be found at your local church.
In time, when you understand it and are ready, the ultimate gift to yourself is forgiveness. Forgiving him does not excuse the behavior; it does not sweep it under the rug; it does not mean you turn your back on what he does from now on; and it does not give him permission to repeat the addictive acts. He still needs to be accountable for what he has done, both to you and to God.
No, forgiveness is not about him but about you. When you forgive him, you are in essence releasing him from having that kind of power over you and thus causing your pain. In this way, forgiving frees you.
With the proper help, a lot of work, and serious changes in his life, he can change. Even if he doesn’t, you can heal.
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