Healing Inner Brokenness – Forgiveness Part 1 – Forgiveness of Others

The process of inner healing is often a long one. It requires the uncomfortable task of digging deep into one’s inner wounds. Our shame, our false self or false identities and thus resolving the denial of, or limited affirmation we all experience in our early years of life.  

Once much of the hard work has been done, a final step, however, is required to significantly advance this healing process. This last step is perhaps the most important. It is forgiveness. Without forgiveness, the roots that triggered all your woundedness and related issues will continue to plague you for the rest of your life. Unforgiveness ties you to the original source and will act like a tether to the events that led to your life of misery and addiction.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting what the other person did. Forgiveness does not excuse their behavior. It’s not about giving that person permission to do what they did again. Forgiveness also does not mean there are not consequences. For example, if someone sexually abuses you, you can pursue legal action while still forgiving the individual in your heart. Forgiveness is about releasing the person who wronged you from having power over you. It’s about freeing you from a heart of bitterness and resentment. 

A telltale sign that forgiveness is not complete is if the memory of what that person did still brings up deep emotions. This is a sign that you are being held captive by that person or their actions. Memories of events and natural emotions are expected, but when these memories affect your life, your behavior, in other areas, then the experience still has a hold on you. Forgiveness cuts that person loose from having that effect on you. When full and authentic forgiveness happens, you will experience peace. In many instances, people who forgive those who have done something that traumatized them, like sexual abuse or emotional abuse, and they later reflect on these actions, will have compassion and sympathy for the pain and emotional bondage their abuser experienced, which caused them to behave in this manner.

It is important to know that in most cases when serious wrongs have been committed, a “one and done” forgiveness statement isn’t enough. Wounds run deep within each of us. When an addictive behavior is present, it commonly signifies that something is painful enough to bring about this behavior – in order to medicate the deep-rooted pain. Forgiveness of such a wound will likely take time. 

In some cases, years. Repeating the forgiveness statement begins the process. If this forgiveness hasn’t begun to take place, then it will be very difficult to become completely free of any compulsive behavior or addiction.

The Science of forgiveness

“Resentment and unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” – Author unknown

Science shows a connection between forgiveness and spiritual, mental, and physical health. When someone holds on to resentment, hostility, and anger against another person for any length of time, it eventually begins to manifest itself in the person’s health with elevated stress hormones (cortisol). These hormones are found to increase psychological distress, hostility, restlessness, sadness, and depression. When we fail to offer forgiveness, it’s common to experience the physical results of higher blood pressure, increased heart risk, and a poor immune system.

Revealing the painful memories and healing the historical source of the triggering emotions of your behaviors prove to be the path to true freedom.

Jesus came so that we may be forgiven of our sins and be redeemed in His blood. Scripture is full of verses about the absolute need of forgiveness.

Scripture verses on forgiveness:

• Colossians 3:13 “Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”
  
• Matthew 6:14-15 “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
  
• Luke 17:3-4 “Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive. And if the same person sins against you seven times a day, and turns back to you seven times and says, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive.”
  
• Ephesians 4:31-32 “Put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice, and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you.”
  
• Hebrews 10:17 “I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more.”
  
• Mark 11:25 “Whenever you stand praying, forgive if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.”
  

The Practice of Forgiveness

So often we rationalize or justify the behavior of those who hurt us. We look at the events from our adult perspective. Quite frequently, this perspective also prevents us from even recognizing the event that caused a wound.

Example:

Austin had a history of alcohol abuse, regular porn use, and multiple affairs. Austin felt a deep need for acceptance and seemed to have an underlying fear of abandonment. He also felt a defeating sense of unworthiness and feeling unwanted. In first speaking to Austin about his childhood and family, he spoke very highly of his father; he always spoke of how well his father took care of the family, always made sure all the kids had everything they needed – enough food, a nice house, good clothes, etc. Austin spoke of how his dad worked two jobs for as long as he could remember, to be a good provider. His father worked as a police officer during the day and as a security guard for a second job. 

Austin, as an adult, justified his father’s commitment to providing for the family. In further counseling, it was discovered that the small 5-year-old little boy inside Austin didn’t understand why his father was never home, why his father couldn’t make his school plays or band concerts, even when he was older. This left him with feelings of abandonment, rejection and general feelings that his father didn’t want to be with him – unworthiness.

Austin’s father was not malicious, he was not abusive and did an excellent job of taking care of every temporal need of the family. But to a 5-year-old, this didn’t matter. This deeply wounded Austin. To break this bond of woundedness, Austin needs to forgive his father. This may seem silly since Austin’s father didn’t do anything wrong. Although, his actions, while unintentional and responsibly motivated, left Austin wounded, nonetheless. These wounds need to be healed.  

Forgiveness of Austin’s wounds would look something like this:

Lord, I choose to forgive my FATHER for the action of WORKING TWO JOBS AND NOT BEING THERE FOR ME, which triggered me to feel REJECTED, ABANDONED, WORTHLESS AND UNWANTED. I release this person from any power he or she holds over me in generating my hurt feelings. Lord, I give you permission to take the judgment and the bitterness out of my life. I surrender it to You and ask You to remove it and to heal me where I have been wounded. I surrender my right to be paid back for my loss by the one who sinned against me, and by doing so I declare my trust in God alone as my Righteous Judge.

One more step to Forgiveness

These feelings of rejection, abandonment, etc that Austin experienced ultimately resulted in behaviors in Austin’s life. In Austin’s case, he turned to pornography to medicate the pain from these unpleasant feelings. Many events in Austin’s life brought up these wounds and let him to act out. To complete the forgiveness cycle, Austin needs to forgive these events and associated persons as well. 

Example:

Lord, I also choose to forgive THE COUPLE I SAW HOLDING HANDS because it triggered me to feel LONELY. I release THIS COUPLE from any power they hold over me in generating my hurt feelings. Lord, I give You permission to take the judgment and the bitterness out of my life. I surrender it to You and ask You to remove it and to heal me where I have been wounded. I surrender my right to be paid back for my loss by the one who sinned against me, and by doing so I declare my trust in God alone as my Righteous Judge.

Whether the wounds are triggered by severe trauma, or abuse by another individual, or something completely passive as with Austin, they are significant to the wounded person. The individuals and events that triggered the emotional wounds need to be forgiven and the tie of damage severed.

How to Include Forgiveness in Your Life

Ask yourself, which individuals in my life have hurt me in any way. On the playground in the first grade, a teacher in middle school who embarrassed you in class, a parent who didn’t spend enough time with you because they worked too much, a girlfriend who dumped you and crushed you when you were 15, etc, etc etc. Ignore any justification you may have for their behavior. If it brought pain, it needs to be forgiven. 

It is important to note that in most cases, these events, emotions, etc were kept between you and Jesus. It is necessary to seek out and tell each person how they hurt you over your entire life. That is not necessary to release them from the tie the event has to you. 

 If possible, sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament and ask Jesus to reveal to you all those who have hurt you in your life.

After reflecting on this, list those you can forgive by name, the event, and the feelings that resulted. Then if you can look at certain behaviors you now have that resulted from those feelings or hurt. 

Then pray the following forgiveness prayer for each person, one at a time.

Lord, I choose to forgive ___________________ for the action of __________________ that triggered me to feel ______________, and contributed to my present identity of ____________. I release this person from any power he or she holds over me in generating my hurt feelings. Lord, I give you permission to take the judgment and the bitterness out of my life. I surrender it to You and ask You to remove it and to heal me where I have been wounded. I surrender my right to be paid back for my loss by the one who sinned against me, and by doing so I declare my trust in God alone as my Righteous Judge.

Final Thought: You may find yourself praying for the same people and the same wounds nearly every day. This is perfectly fine and even expected. Many wounds run deep and we have difficulty letting them go, as over time they have become part of our identity (although a false identity). Be patient. Repetition is a good thing.

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